“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
You Might Also Like
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Very problematic
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Bartenders are just boneless bars
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.