My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
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*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*