Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
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Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
even bears disappoint their mothers
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Sorry. Not sorry