Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
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It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?