Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
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If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Cinematography is my passion
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
The cashier just checked me out.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?