Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
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I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”