Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
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If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea