@ScottLinnen: Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
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@theshamingofjay: Just realized why my Grandpa called his sideburns thigh ticklers Excuse me guys while I go walk in front of a bus
@turtledumplin: Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he's going to the clinic for a 'work related' injury.
@abhorrent_wife: Taught the 5yo to say "totes magotes" to annoy my husband who can't figure out why the kid keeps yelling, "COACH MY GOATS, DAD!" Nailed it.
@ValeeGrrl: Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV. Now you're ready to have kids.