Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
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[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Oh my god
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me: