*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
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The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Life cycle of cat
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”