[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
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I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Cat is stressing him out.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
My Plans 2020
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
#StillHurts
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken