[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
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Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Who.
Did.
This?
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.