[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
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Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.