A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
You Might Also Like
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Who knew!
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog