it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
You Might Also Like
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely