[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
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Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?