[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
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“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Do not go gentle into that good night,
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Cheers Twitter.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I think I’m having a stroke
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet