@KatieBurnett: Facebook's great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

@GoldenSpirals: My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it's finished. There's no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

@Swain_Train47: Is "asking for a friend" just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

@caperbc75: *nervously adjusts fedora in Starbucks lineup I'll have uh, um, a mediu- I mean vanti, uh, mochacachito? Patrons: HE'S A FRAUD! GET HIM!!!

@briangaar: If I'm murdered, I hope I'm able to write out the killer's name in blood and then "sucks" underneath