@kwirkyKerri: Drops empty vodka bottles in all the neighbor's recycling bins. So the garbage men don't think it's just me.
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@KatieBurnett: Facebook's great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
@GoldenSpirals: My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it's finished. There's no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
@Swain_Train47: Is "asking for a friend" just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
@caperbc75: *nervously adjusts fedora in Starbucks lineup I'll have uh, um, a mediu- I mean vanti, uh, mochacachito? Patrons: HE'S A FRAUD! GET HIM!!!