INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
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Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars