Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
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People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.