warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
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One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner