*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
You Might Also Like
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Important