ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
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APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Love is in the air fryer.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!