House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
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Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
these two trucks have the same bed length
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.