*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
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*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
got so much cardio in today
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too