*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
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me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
any last words?
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves