[drops phone in toilet]
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It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance