[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
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[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me