*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
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I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.