*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
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*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.