[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
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kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.