[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
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My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Catering service
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.