[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
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Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.