“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
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Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
“Huge”.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
That’s incredible! 👌
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated