[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
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News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive