[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
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I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
A bold strategy
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.