This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
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twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
This forever.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture