Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
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Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I’d hang this in my house.
#DesignFail
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.