Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
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Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
North and South
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!