Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
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What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath