DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
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Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
#Caturday
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.