DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
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Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.