Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
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Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Botany good plants lately?
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road