Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
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If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.