[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
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its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
@funTweeters
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I am having an out of money experience.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
this… may be the greatest story ever told
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.