[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
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People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
guys I’m going home
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]