Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
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I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
i love meeting boys on tinder
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Every work call, he judges.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.