Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
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British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
#CoronaOutbreak
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s