@partlyfunny: Drugs and alcohol aren't the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
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@AndyAsAdjective: [break room] coworker: what's for lunch? me: [eating] food, generally cw: no, I mean what are you having? me: an unwanted conversation
@BlindChow: [last supper] Judas: Here, I brought this Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand Judas: *winks at camera*
@wittwitbarista: I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like "do you know how fast you were going?"Or "is that a raccoon smoking a joint?"
@squirrel74wkgn: [at movie theatre] Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh Son: ... Daughter: ... Me (whispers): ...it