Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
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Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.