Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
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Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Jesus Christ lmao
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!