Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
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Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.