Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
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3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
greetings!
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Yup….perfect score!
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.